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| author | Joe Carstairs <65492573+Sycamost@users.noreply.github.com> | 2024-01-29 18:29:17 +0000 |
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| committer | Joe Carstairs <65492573+Sycamost@users.noreply.github.com> | 2024-01-29 18:44:29 +0000 |
| commit | 287171d1bdf04d19ead09ce2b4257efdbb8e3c24 (patch) | |
| tree | cf2855e2fdddd729ebcd8e6bfac05d30f91efa77 /blog | |
| parent | cdb4315ae626265c5a99d1816dea281719272356 (diff) | |
Adds EUHWC Toast to the Lasses 2024 as a blog post
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| -rw-r--r-- | blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html | 309 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | blog/index.html | 5 |
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diff --git a/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html b/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ea14cf --- /dev/null +++ b/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,309 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en-GB"> + <head> + <meta charset="utf-8" /> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1" /> + <link rel="stylesheet" href="/reset.css" /> + <link rel="stylesheet" href="/base.css" /> + <link rel="stylesheet" href="/hcard.css" /> + <link rel="stylesheet" href="/blog.css" /> + <title>EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024 | joeac’s blog</title> + </head> + + <body> + <article class="h-entry"> + <aside> + <p>This is a blog post by <a class="p-author h-card" href="/">Joe Carstairs</a></p> + <p>He wrote it on <time class="dt-published" datetime="2024-01-29">the 29<sup>th</sup> of January, 2024</time></p> + <p>Go back to his <a href="/blog">blog</a> if you like</p> + <p><a class="u-url uid" href="https://joeac.net/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024">Permalink</a></p> + </aside> + + <h1 class="h-name">EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024</h1> + + <p class="p-summary"> + At the <a href="https://www.euhwc.co.uk">EUHWC</a> Burns meet in + Ullapool last weekend, I had the last privilege of giving the Toast to + the Lassies. Particularly for the benefit of those who weren’t there, + here it is in full! + </p> + + <div class="e-content"> + <p> + Had Burns, instead of his sweet bonnie Jean,<br> + his skills poetical for to mature<br> + had any one of our club’s lassies seen<br> + he would forever have remained obscure.<br> + If he had nothing but this box of worms<br> + Scotia would have been poorer, that I’m sure.<br> + Now none of us can claim to be a Burns,<br> + I’m no poetic master, still, I’ll have a punt,<br> + though let’s be clear, I’ll do it on my terms.<br> + I’ve everywhere avoided being blunt -<br> + politeness matters more than any schema -<br> + but it is hard when Isla’s such a cunt.<br> + It was a challenge to produce a terza rima<br> + I could recite withouten snoring;<br> + you’ve been so stiff I thought youse had oedema.<br> + The bother is this year is you’ll all been boring:<br> + no drugs, no sex, no gossiping or lies,<br> + no rock and roll, and hardly any whoring.<br> + But hey well, rules is rules, I’ve had to try!<br> + At least it can’t be worse than the reply.<br> + </p> + + <p> + I’ll start with Audrey, the club’s senior member,<br> + for if there’s something that I say which disconcerts her,<br> + it’s fine: the poor old girl, she won’t remember.<br> + She likes to let us think she’s a hard worker<br> + but we’re electing a third social sec…<br> + it’s pretty clear she’s just another shirker.<br> + This lady, half American, half Czech,<br> + for study, moved to Scotland for to do<br> + American history – really, what the heck?<br> + The club is so much louder thanks to you:<br> + impressive vocals for just five foot two.<br> + </p> + + <p> + That woman, Willow, reggles is bespeckled<br> + with her sickle and her fishing tackle<br> + shackled by the shins while she is heckled;<br> + the way that Willow waddles maks me cackle<br> + like a speckled jackal getting tickles,<br> + worth a shekel in the tabernacle;<br> + I chuckle muckle at her love of pickles<br> + which she wiggles when she has the heart<br> + while work for the Committee’s fickle trickles.<br> + Her modus operandi: <em>you can’t rush art.</em><br> + Her reimbursements programme’s going great;<br> + any day now, she’ll maybe even start.<br> + She cannot walk without Audrey, her mate:<br> + I wonder when they’re going to consummate.<br> + </p> + + <p> + Although they make them pretty tough in Peebles,<br> + the thought of actually going up a peak<br> + fills Shona Lewis with the heeble-jeebles.<br> + New car? We miss your beautiful antique!<br> + How long before this one’s also up a creek?<br> + </p> + + <p> + Once there was a lass called Hannah Collier<br> + whom even hell below regarded nasty,<br> + deeply despised by all that dwells there.<br> + Dating’s proceeding slowly for our lassie;<br> + not far from giving up til she beguiles<br> + a hot Italian in Southsider: classy!<br> + At first, Michaelo seems to be all smiles<br> + till it transpires he’s one of Dante’s demons…<br> + I guess it’s back to posters of Harry Styles.<br> + One day you’ll get a decent boy, keep dreamin;<br> + somewhere there waits a handsome Mr Collier.<br> + Hopefully when she meets him she’ll no be steamin.<br> + Hannah, I’m not sure why you chose to maul your<br> + poor skeleton at Subway (she’s still tetchy)<br> + and then abandon what remains of all your<br> + dignity at Ryvoan with a Frenchie!<br> + I think he wishes that he never met ye.<br> + </p> + + <p> + And has a quiet Felicia e’er been seen?<br> + The energy she has is frankly wild.<br> + I’ve never seen a hillwalker so keen!<br> + <i lang="de">Ssie ischt raschtlos und nie gelangweilt</i>.<br> + She eats raw oats with soggy protein powder:<br> + a camping pot has ne’er been worse defiled.<br> + She uses what her Maker has endowed her<br> + with: her recorder skills are off the charts;<br> + youse think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t doubt her!<br> + This lass of the land of the Rot-Gold-Schwarz<br> + will soon depart, though long we might beseech ya<br> + to stay. Of course, you’ll break all of our hearts,<br> + but mine most of all. Any time, Felicia,<br> + Creag Meagaidh calls, I know routes up the rear<br> + dark and under-explored that I can teach you!<br> + I won’t deny I think it’s rather queer<br> + the things you do with chickpeas, but no matter.<br> + You’re keen, you’re quick, you’re cool, that much is clear.<br> + In fact, I think you’d make a damn good faffer:<br> + swoop down on distilleries like the Luftwaffe.<br> + </p> + + <p> + And now we come to our girl Emily Topness!<br> + You’re keen for social sec. You’d suit the role<br> + because… I’m not quite sure, it’s embdy’s guess.<br> + We met your sister, and she was just as dull.<br> + No, please drone on about Icelandic soil!<br> + Poor Joe here down the front’s bored out his skull.<br> + And since I mentioned Joe – I hate to spoil<br> + it for you – but you’ve got the inferior Joe,<br> + by Jove, no joke, it’s Jock here’s got the style!<br> + Nah, write the boy a sonnet, get in the flow,<br> + Whatever you produce’ll beat by thrice<br> + your Masters thesis. What’d you got to show<br> + for months of hunting for the butterflies?<br> + ‘There weren’t any.’ Oh, and have some sense,<br> + cos I’ve heard rumours – I assume they’re lies –<br> + you’ve called yourself the ‘poet in residence.’<br> + You know you can’t compete, drop the pretence.<br> + </p> + + <p> + Tereza was our gear sec for last year.<br> + She helped herself to stuff: that’s factual.<br> + Now when she asks to loan a bit club gear<br> + we have to ask her to provide collateral.<br> + She picked up tin whistle pretty sharp!<br> + Which is to say, she’s not a natural.<br> + She’s nowhere happier than under tarp<br> + gazing up at the moon and stars alone<br> + somewhere distant and remote like Glen Tarff.<br> + Now what to say about Lucy Ma-the-soooon....<br> + she likes… to faff… mm hmmm… well, moving on!<br> + </p> + + <p> + And now we come to Emilie the French.<br> + She seems to be nice on the trips we see her<br> + but my distrust of frogs will ne’er be quenched.<br> + Claims she’s a ‘pharmacist’? So she’s a dealer.<br> + Need some pills in a pinch? You call, she’s there<br> + at your door in her rally-approved four-wheeler.<br> + One question we have is, why are you here?<br> + Most folk are in uni, you’ve no refutin<br> + you were kicked out after second year!<br> + Now the Engineering grad, Sophia Newton.<br> + Your namesake, Isaac, was a man convicted,<br> + constructed calculus; but no computin,<br> + not even Isaac’s, could’ve e’er predicted<br> + you’d drop the Eng for creative writing!<br> + now that’s what I would call a self-inflicted<br> + inflection point! It must be quite enlightening,<br> + but that doesn’t excuse when you give us an earful.<br> + The blood boils in our veins, the rage heightening,<br> + and you’re an American, that makes me fearful.<br> + What’s your secret? You have us knackered!<br> + What are you on to always be so cheerful?<br> + Now we approach the topic of Merzbacher.<br> + Wait, she’s not here? Abandoned ship?<br> + She says she’s informatics: so she’s a hacker?<br> + She has strong views, she lets her anger rip.<br> + Poor George got an earful, full of future advice,<br> + but why hasn’t she been on another club trip?<br> + We’re cruel to focus on this list of vice;<br> + the fact remains: she’s headstrong and nice.<br> + </p> + + <p> + On Skye, a lady gave her poles to Sasha,<br> + which was really nice - I mean just the best -<br> + but Sasha really didn’t have to flash her.<br> + Quick history lesson: way back, RBS<br> + led the banking system to self-destruct<br> + and left taxpayers to pick up the mess.<br> + Since then, the name’s so irredeemably fucked<br> + they’ve had to ditch the brand once and for all.<br> + There’s one lassie who I need not instruct<br> + What, these days, the Royal Bank is called<br> + cos NatWest’s nasty history of scandal<br> + didn’t stop Booth from working there at all.<br> + Nothing motivates her more than to trample<br> + upon the working class. They set her free.<br> + She sank the pound quicker than the Belgrano,<br> + because ‘there is no such thing as society,’<br> + that’s how it is, is it? All right, I see.<br> + </p> + + <p> + Now, coming all the way from Glenmore Lodge,<br> + it’s Ellie’s turn! We have done what we can,<br> + although I’m scared what she’ll put in my squash.<br> + She wasn’t into Benji, but listen man,<br> + you’re lucky that you dodged her drunken benders.<br> + You’ll wake up in a tent in Kyrgystan,<br> + as for how you got there, no-one remembers,<br> + and if you’d known you’d be sleeping next to Ellie,<br> + you would’ve brought some fucking ear defenders.<br> + She’ll wrap you in bubblewrap, from your ears to your belly,<br> + cotton clothes for none, and no complaining,<br> + applying safety to the max, spare socks in your wellies.<br> + She’s always at her Mountain Leader training,<br> + practicing her night nav in the locale,<br> + pursuing QMDs - unless it’s raining.<br> + But some water should not scare our gal!<br> + She’s had much experience with the wet as of late:<br> + after all, she got on well with our navy pal.<br> + What was the age of that particular first mate?<br> + Older than your ex - always part of the plan?<br> + Ah, of course! He was a spry twenty-eight!<br> + Youth’s for the losers, let’s get you a real man,<br> + mature and rugged, but kind and astute?<br> + Just make sure he’s not as old as your gran.<br> + One request we all have is you ditch the uke:<br> + never have strings been pluckèd quite so shitely;<br> + we would all much rather be hit by a nuke.<br> + And please shut up about your nice society.<br> + We are all glad you had a fun summer,<br> + but bringing it up throws us right back to sobriety.<br> + To lose you of course would be a bummer:<br> + that is, for your carefully groomed newcomers.<br> + </p> + + <p> + Now time for the main woman, El Presidente!<br> + To here, it’s been like getting stones to bleed,<br> + but in Isla Burslem’s case we’ve material aplenty!<br> + As Holy Scripture says, ‘let those who lead<br> + well be worthy of double honour,’ so<br> + your bit is double length – it’s quite the screed!<br> + I’ll start off with her brilliant boyfriend – oh!<br> + Not boyfriend! Friend? To me this rather smacks<br> + of low commitment, but what do I know?<br> + So far, he’s disappointing, but on track.<br> + What’s he up to Isla: seven minutes? neat!<br> + Despite that, he is never holding back<br> + your blossoming romance with Dr Peat.<br> + Don’t deny it, that launch was pretty hard!<br> + It’s fifth base next: that’s photos of his feet.<br> + It’s fair to say her reputation’s marred.<br> + We all regret that we did once anoint<br> + her President: her premiership’s ill-starred.<br> + Hey - you’re meant to be in charge of this joint!<br> + You’re seldom seen cos of the mountaineering<br> + meets that you’re always on. You’d made your point<br> + before you chose to go off disappearing<br> + to <em>New Zealand</em>… we get the message! Plus<br> + we’ve had enough of all your domineering:<br> + maybe it’s time we put you on a bus!<br> + Nah, I’m just joking. All I’ve said’s refutable.<br> + But the boys, we mean this next bit, all of us,<br> + so stop me Isla if this isn’t suitable<br> + but honestly we think your mum is beautiful.<br> + </p> + + <p> + Alas, I have to bring an end to this rhyme.<br> + I know it wasn’t much, in our defence,<br> + the fact you used ChatGPT’s a crime.<br> + I hope I’ve not caused over much offence<br> + don’t worry, that is it, I’ve said my bit,<br> + so I’ll turn from the ladies to the gents.<br> + Yeah, don’t look away now, we wrote this shit!<br> + I see you looking at your laces, Chris!<br> + Wit without real goodwill is not legit,<br> + so boys, don’t send sincerity to piss!<br> + Why did God say he’d take our hearts of stone<br> + and give us hearts of flesh? For this, for this!<br> + Here is flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone;<br> + love, and love nothing more but God alone.<br> + </p> + </div> + </article> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/blog/index.html b/blog/index.html index 86e8b1a..dfb2bfa 100644 --- a/blog/index.html +++ b/blog/index.html @@ -33,6 +33,11 @@ Harari’s <i>Sapiens</i> on Religion </a> </li> + <li class="h-entry"> + <a class="u-url p-name" href="/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024"> + EUHWC Toast to the Lasses + </a> + </li> </ul> </li> </ul> |