Adds EUHWC Toast to the Lasses 2024 as a blog post
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Joe Carstairs
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blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html
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<title>EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024 | joeac’s blog</title>
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<article class="h-entry">
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<aside>
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<p>This is a blog post by <a class="p-author h-card" href="/">Joe Carstairs</a></p>
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<p>He wrote it on <time class="dt-published" datetime="2024-01-29">the 29<sup>th</sup> of January, 2024</time></p>
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<p>Go back to his <a href="/blog">blog</a> if you like</p>
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<p><a class="u-url uid" href="https://joeac.net/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024">Permalink</a></p>
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</aside>
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<h1 class="h-name">EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024</h1>
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<p class="p-summary">
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At the <a href="https://www.euhwc.co.uk">EUHWC</a> Burns meet in
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Ullapool last weekend, I had the last privilege of giving the Toast to
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the Lassies. Particularly for the benefit of those who weren’t there,
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here it is in full!
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</p>
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<div class="e-content">
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<p>
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Had Burns, instead of his sweet bonnie Jean,<br>
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his skills poetical for to mature<br>
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had any one of our club’s lassies seen<br>
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he would forever have remained obscure.<br>
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If he had nothing but this box of worms<br>
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Scotia would have been poorer, that I’m sure.<br>
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Now none of us can claim to be a Burns,<br>
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I’m no poetic master, still, I’ll have a punt,<br>
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though let’s be clear, I’ll do it on my terms.<br>
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I’ve everywhere avoided being blunt -<br>
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politeness matters more than any schema -<br>
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but it is hard when Isla’s such a cunt.<br>
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It was a challenge to produce a terza rima<br>
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I could recite withouten snoring;<br>
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you’ve been so stiff I thought youse had oedema.<br>
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The bother is this year is you’ll all been boring:<br>
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no drugs, no sex, no gossiping or lies,<br>
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no rock and roll, and hardly any whoring.<br>
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But hey well, rules is rules, I’ve had to try!<br>
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At least it can’t be worse than the reply.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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I’ll start with Audrey, the club’s senior member,<br>
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for if there’s something that I say which disconcerts her,<br>
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it’s fine: the poor old girl, she won’t remember.<br>
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She likes to let us think she’s a hard worker<br>
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but we’re electing a third social sec…<br>
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it’s pretty clear she’s just another shirker.<br>
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This lady, half American, half Czech,<br>
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for study, moved to Scotland for to do<br>
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American history – really, what the heck?<br>
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The club is so much louder thanks to you:<br>
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impressive vocals for just five foot two.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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That woman, Willow, reggles is bespeckled<br>
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with her sickle and her fishing tackle<br>
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shackled by the shins while she is heckled;<br>
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the way that Willow waddles maks me cackle<br>
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like a speckled jackal getting tickles,<br>
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worth a shekel in the tabernacle;<br>
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I chuckle muckle at her love of pickles<br>
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which she wiggles when she has the heart<br>
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while work for the Committee’s fickle trickles.<br>
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Her modus operandi: <em>you can’t rush art.</em><br>
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Her reimbursements programme’s going great;<br>
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any day now, she’ll maybe even start.<br>
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She cannot walk without Audrey, her mate:<br>
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I wonder when they’re going to consummate.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Although they make them pretty tough in Peebles,<br>
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the thought of actually going up a peak<br>
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fills Shona Lewis with the heeble-jeebles.<br>
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New car? We miss your beautiful antique!<br>
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How long before this one’s also up a creek?<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Once there was a lass called Hannah Collier<br>
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whom even hell below regarded nasty,<br>
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deeply despised by all that dwells there.<br>
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Dating’s proceeding slowly for our lassie;<br>
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not far from giving up til she beguiles<br>
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a hot Italian in Southsider: classy!<br>
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At first, Michaelo seems to be all smiles<br>
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till it transpires he’s one of Dante’s demons…<br>
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I guess it’s back to posters of Harry Styles.<br>
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One day you’ll get a decent boy, keep dreamin;<br>
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somewhere there waits a handsome Mr Collier.<br>
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Hopefully when she meets him she’ll no be steamin.<br>
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Hannah, I’m not sure why you chose to maul your<br>
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poor skeleton at Subway (she’s still tetchy)<br>
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and then abandon what remains of all your<br>
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dignity at Ryvoan with a Frenchie!<br>
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I think he wishes that he never met ye.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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And has a quiet Felicia e’er been seen?<br>
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The energy she has is frankly wild.<br>
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I’ve never seen a hillwalker so keen!<br>
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<i lang="de">Ssie ischt raschtlos und nie gelangweilt</i>.<br>
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She eats raw oats with soggy protein powder:<br>
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a camping pot has ne’er been worse defiled.<br>
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She uses what her Maker has endowed her<br>
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with: her recorder skills are off the charts;<br>
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youse think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t doubt her!<br>
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This lass of the land of the Rot-Gold-Schwarz<br>
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will soon depart, though long we might beseech ya<br>
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to stay. Of course, you’ll break all of our hearts,<br>
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but mine most of all. Any time, Felicia,<br>
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Creag Meagaidh calls, I know routes up the rear<br>
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dark and under-explored that I can teach you!<br>
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I won’t deny I think it’s rather queer<br>
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the things you do with chickpeas, but no matter.<br>
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You’re keen, you’re quick, you’re cool, that much is clear.<br>
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In fact, I think you’d make a damn good faffer:<br>
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swoop down on distilleries like the Luftwaffe.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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And now we come to our girl Emily Topness!<br>
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You’re keen for social sec. You’d suit the role<br>
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because… I’m not quite sure, it’s embdy’s guess.<br>
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We met your sister, and she was just as dull.<br>
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No, please drone on about Icelandic soil!<br>
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Poor Joe here down the front’s bored out his skull.<br>
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And since I mentioned Joe – I hate to spoil<br>
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it for you – but you’ve got the inferior Joe,<br>
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by Jove, no joke, it’s Jock here’s got the style!<br>
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Nah, write the boy a sonnet, get in the flow,<br>
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Whatever you produce’ll beat by thrice<br>
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your Masters thesis. What’d you got to show<br>
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for months of hunting for the butterflies?<br>
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‘There weren’t any.’ Oh, and have some sense,<br>
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cos I’ve heard rumours – I assume they’re lies –<br>
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you’ve called yourself the ‘poet in residence.’<br>
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You know you can’t compete, drop the pretence.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Tereza was our gear sec for last year.<br>
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She helped herself to stuff: that’s factual.<br>
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Now when she asks to loan a bit club gear<br>
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we have to ask her to provide collateral.<br>
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She picked up tin whistle pretty sharp!<br>
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Which is to say, she’s not a natural.<br>
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She’s nowhere happier than under tarp<br>
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gazing up at the moon and stars alone<br>
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somewhere distant and remote like Glen Tarff.<br>
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Now what to say about Lucy Ma-the-soooon....<br>
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she likes… to faff… mm hmmm… well, moving on!<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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And now we come to Emilie the French.<br>
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She seems to be nice on the trips we see her<br>
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but my distrust of frogs will ne’er be quenched.<br>
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Claims she’s a ‘pharmacist’? So she’s a dealer.<br>
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Need some pills in a pinch? You call, she’s there<br>
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at your door in her rally-approved four-wheeler.<br>
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One question we have is, why are you here?<br>
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Most folk are in uni, you’ve no refutin<br>
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you were kicked out after second year!<br>
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Now the Engineering grad, Sophia Newton.<br>
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Your namesake, Isaac, was a man convicted,<br>
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constructed calculus; but no computin,<br>
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not even Isaac’s, could’ve e’er predicted<br>
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you’d drop the Eng for creative writing!<br>
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now that’s what I would call a self-inflicted<br>
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inflection point! It must be quite enlightening,<br>
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but that doesn’t excuse when you give us an earful.<br>
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The blood boils in our veins, the rage heightening,<br>
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and you’re an American, that makes me fearful.<br>
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What’s your secret? You have us knackered!<br>
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What are you on to always be so cheerful?<br>
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Now we approach the topic of Merzbacher.<br>
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Wait, she’s not here? Abandoned ship?<br>
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She says she’s informatics: so she’s a hacker?<br>
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She has strong views, she lets her anger rip.<br>
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Poor George got an earful, full of future advice,<br>
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but why hasn’t she been on another club trip?<br>
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We’re cruel to focus on this list of vice;<br>
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the fact remains: she’s headstrong and nice.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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On Skye, a lady gave her poles to Sasha,<br>
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which was really nice - I mean just the best -<br>
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but Sasha really didn’t have to flash her.<br>
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Quick history lesson: way back, RBS<br>
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led the banking system to self-destruct<br>
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and left taxpayers to pick up the mess.<br>
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Since then, the name’s so irredeemably fucked<br>
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they’ve had to ditch the brand once and for all.<br>
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There’s one lassie who I need not instruct<br>
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What, these days, the Royal Bank is called<br>
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cos NatWest’s nasty history of scandal<br>
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didn’t stop Booth from working there at all.<br>
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Nothing motivates her more than to trample<br>
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upon the working class. They set her free.<br>
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She sank the pound quicker than the Belgrano,<br>
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because ‘there is no such thing as society,’<br>
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that’s how it is, is it? All right, I see.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Now, coming all the way from Glenmore Lodge,<br>
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it’s Ellie’s turn! We have done what we can,<br>
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although I’m scared what she’ll put in my squash.<br>
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She wasn’t into Benji, but listen man,<br>
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you’re lucky that you dodged her drunken benders.<br>
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You’ll wake up in a tent in Kyrgystan,<br>
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as for how you got there, no-one remembers,<br>
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and if you’d known you’d be sleeping next to Ellie,<br>
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you would’ve brought some fucking ear defenders.<br>
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She’ll wrap you in bubblewrap, from your ears to your belly,<br>
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cotton clothes for none, and no complaining,<br>
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applying safety to the max, spare socks in your wellies.<br>
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She’s always at her Mountain Leader training,<br>
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practicing her night nav in the locale,<br>
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pursuing QMDs - unless it’s raining.<br>
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But some water should not scare our gal!<br>
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She’s had much experience with the wet as of late:<br>
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after all, she got on well with our navy pal.<br>
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What was the age of that particular first mate?<br>
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Older than your ex - always part of the plan?<br>
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Ah, of course! He was a spry twenty-eight!<br>
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Youth’s for the losers, let’s get you a real man,<br>
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mature and rugged, but kind and astute?<br>
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Just make sure he’s not as old as your gran.<br>
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One request we all have is you ditch the uke:<br>
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never have strings been pluckèd quite so shitely;<br>
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we would all much rather be hit by a nuke.<br>
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And please shut up about your nice society.<br>
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We are all glad you had a fun summer,<br>
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but bringing it up throws us right back to sobriety.<br>
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To lose you of course would be a bummer:<br>
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that is, for your carefully groomed newcomers.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Now time for the main woman, El Presidente!<br>
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To here, it’s been like getting stones to bleed,<br>
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but in Isla Burslem’s case we’ve material aplenty!<br>
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As Holy Scripture says, ‘let those who lead<br>
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well be worthy of double honour,’ so<br>
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your bit is double length – it’s quite the screed!<br>
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I’ll start off with her brilliant boyfriend – oh!<br>
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Not boyfriend! Friend? To me this rather smacks<br>
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of low commitment, but what do I know?<br>
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So far, he’s disappointing, but on track.<br>
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What’s he up to Isla: seven minutes? neat!<br>
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Despite that, he is never holding back<br>
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your blossoming romance with Dr Peat.<br>
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Don’t deny it, that launch was pretty hard!<br>
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It’s fifth base next: that’s photos of his feet.<br>
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It’s fair to say her reputation’s marred.<br>
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We all regret that we did once anoint<br>
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her President: her premiership’s ill-starred.<br>
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Hey - you’re meant to be in charge of this joint!<br>
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You’re seldom seen cos of the mountaineering<br>
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meets that you’re always on. You’d made your point<br>
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before you chose to go off disappearing<br>
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to <em>New Zealand</em>… we get the message! Plus<br>
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we’ve had enough of all your domineering:<br>
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maybe it’s time we put you on a bus!<br>
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Nah, I’m just joking. All I’ve said’s refutable.<br>
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But the boys, we mean this next bit, all of us,<br>
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so stop me Isla if this isn’t suitable<br>
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but honestly we think your mum is beautiful.<br>
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</p>
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<p>
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Alas, I have to bring an end to this rhyme.<br>
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I know it wasn’t much, in our defence,<br>
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the fact you used ChatGPT’s a crime.<br>
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I hope I’ve not caused over much offence<br>
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don’t worry, that is it, I’ve said my bit,<br>
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so I’ll turn from the ladies to the gents.<br>
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Yeah, don’t look away now, we wrote this shit!<br>
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I see you looking at your laces, Chris!<br>
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Wit without real goodwill is not legit,<br>
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so boys, don’t send sincerity to piss!<br>
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Why did God say he’d take our hearts of stone<br>
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and give us hearts of flesh? For this, for this!<br>
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Here is flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone;<br>
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love, and love nothing more but God alone.<br>
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</p>
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</div>
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</article>
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</html>
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@@ -33,6 +33,11 @@
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Harari’s <i>Sapiens</i> on Religion
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</a>
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</li>
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<li class="h-entry">
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<a class="u-url p-name" href="/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024">
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EUHWC Toast to the Lasses
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</a>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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@@ -73,6 +73,11 @@
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Harari’s <i>Sapiens</i> on Religion
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</a>
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</li>
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<li class="h-entry">
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<a class="u-url p-name" href="/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024">
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EUHWC Toast to the Lasses
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</a>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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