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diff --git a/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html b/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html deleted file mode 100644 index 9ea14cf..0000000 --- a/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024/index.html +++ /dev/null @@ -1,309 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html lang="en-GB"> - <head> - <meta charset="utf-8" /> - <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1" /> - <link rel="stylesheet" href="/reset.css" /> - <link rel="stylesheet" href="/base.css" /> - <link rel="stylesheet" href="/hcard.css" /> - <link rel="stylesheet" href="/blog.css" /> - <title>EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024 | joeac’s blog</title> - </head> - - <body> - <article class="h-entry"> - <aside> - <p>This is a blog post by <a class="p-author h-card" href="/">Joe Carstairs</a></p> - <p>He wrote it on <time class="dt-published" datetime="2024-01-29">the 29<sup>th</sup> of January, 2024</time></p> - <p>Go back to his <a href="/blog">blog</a> if you like</p> - <p><a class="u-url uid" href="https://joeac.net/blog/2024/01/29/euhwc_toast_to_lasses_2024">Permalink</a></p> - </aside> - - <h1 class="h-name">EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024</h1> - - <p class="p-summary"> - At the <a href="https://www.euhwc.co.uk">EUHWC</a> Burns meet in - Ullapool last weekend, I had the last privilege of giving the Toast to - the Lassies. Particularly for the benefit of those who weren’t there, - here it is in full! - </p> - - <div class="e-content"> - <p> - Had Burns, instead of his sweet bonnie Jean,<br> - his skills poetical for to mature<br> - had any one of our club’s lassies seen<br> - he would forever have remained obscure.<br> - If he had nothing but this box of worms<br> - Scotia would have been poorer, that I’m sure.<br> - Now none of us can claim to be a Burns,<br> - I’m no poetic master, still, I’ll have a punt,<br> - though let’s be clear, I’ll do it on my terms.<br> - I’ve everywhere avoided being blunt -<br> - politeness matters more than any schema -<br> - but it is hard when Isla’s such a cunt.<br> - It was a challenge to produce a terza rima<br> - I could recite withouten snoring;<br> - you’ve been so stiff I thought youse had oedema.<br> - The bother is this year is you’ll all been boring:<br> - no drugs, no sex, no gossiping or lies,<br> - no rock and roll, and hardly any whoring.<br> - But hey well, rules is rules, I’ve had to try!<br> - At least it can’t be worse than the reply.<br> - </p> - - <p> - I’ll start with Audrey, the club’s senior member,<br> - for if there’s something that I say which disconcerts her,<br> - it’s fine: the poor old girl, she won’t remember.<br> - She likes to let us think she’s a hard worker<br> - but we’re electing a third social sec…<br> - it’s pretty clear she’s just another shirker.<br> - This lady, half American, half Czech,<br> - for study, moved to Scotland for to do<br> - American history – really, what the heck?<br> - The club is so much louder thanks to you:<br> - impressive vocals for just five foot two.<br> - </p> - - <p> - That woman, Willow, reggles is bespeckled<br> - with her sickle and her fishing tackle<br> - shackled by the shins while she is heckled;<br> - the way that Willow waddles maks me cackle<br> - like a speckled jackal getting tickles,<br> - worth a shekel in the tabernacle;<br> - I chuckle muckle at her love of pickles<br> - which she wiggles when she has the heart<br> - while work for the Committee’s fickle trickles.<br> - Her modus operandi: <em>you can’t rush art.</em><br> - Her reimbursements programme’s going great;<br> - any day now, she’ll maybe even start.<br> - She cannot walk without Audrey, her mate:<br> - I wonder when they’re going to consummate.<br> - </p> - - <p> - Although they make them pretty tough in Peebles,<br> - the thought of actually going up a peak<br> - fills Shona Lewis with the heeble-jeebles.<br> - New car? We miss your beautiful antique!<br> - How long before this one’s also up a creek?<br> - </p> - - <p> - Once there was a lass called Hannah Collier<br> - whom even hell below regarded nasty,<br> - deeply despised by all that dwells there.<br> - Dating’s proceeding slowly for our lassie;<br> - not far from giving up til she beguiles<br> - a hot Italian in Southsider: classy!<br> - At first, Michaelo seems to be all smiles<br> - till it transpires he’s one of Dante’s demons…<br> - I guess it’s back to posters of Harry Styles.<br> - One day you’ll get a decent boy, keep dreamin;<br> - somewhere there waits a handsome Mr Collier.<br> - Hopefully when she meets him she’ll no be steamin.<br> - Hannah, I’m not sure why you chose to maul your<br> - poor skeleton at Subway (she’s still tetchy)<br> - and then abandon what remains of all your<br> - dignity at Ryvoan with a Frenchie!<br> - I think he wishes that he never met ye.<br> - </p> - - <p> - And has a quiet Felicia e’er been seen?<br> - The energy she has is frankly wild.<br> - I’ve never seen a hillwalker so keen!<br> - <i lang="de">Ssie ischt raschtlos und nie gelangweilt</i>.<br> - She eats raw oats with soggy protein powder:<br> - a camping pot has ne’er been worse defiled.<br> - She uses what her Maker has endowed her<br> - with: her recorder skills are off the charts;<br> - youse think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t doubt her!<br> - This lass of the land of the Rot-Gold-Schwarz<br> - will soon depart, though long we might beseech ya<br> - to stay. Of course, you’ll break all of our hearts,<br> - but mine most of all. Any time, Felicia,<br> - Creag Meagaidh calls, I know routes up the rear<br> - dark and under-explored that I can teach you!<br> - I won’t deny I think it’s rather queer<br> - the things you do with chickpeas, but no matter.<br> - You’re keen, you’re quick, you’re cool, that much is clear.<br> - In fact, I think you’d make a damn good faffer:<br> - swoop down on distilleries like the Luftwaffe.<br> - </p> - - <p> - And now we come to our girl Emily Topness!<br> - You’re keen for social sec. You’d suit the role<br> - because… I’m not quite sure, it’s embdy’s guess.<br> - We met your sister, and she was just as dull.<br> - No, please drone on about Icelandic soil!<br> - Poor Joe here down the front’s bored out his skull.<br> - And since I mentioned Joe – I hate to spoil<br> - it for you – but you’ve got the inferior Joe,<br> - by Jove, no joke, it’s Jock here’s got the style!<br> - Nah, write the boy a sonnet, get in the flow,<br> - Whatever you produce’ll beat by thrice<br> - your Masters thesis. What’d you got to show<br> - for months of hunting for the butterflies?<br> - ‘There weren’t any.’ Oh, and have some sense,<br> - cos I’ve heard rumours – I assume they’re lies –<br> - you’ve called yourself the ‘poet in residence.’<br> - You know you can’t compete, drop the pretence.<br> - </p> - - <p> - Tereza was our gear sec for last year.<br> - She helped herself to stuff: that’s factual.<br> - Now when she asks to loan a bit club gear<br> - we have to ask her to provide collateral.<br> - She picked up tin whistle pretty sharp!<br> - Which is to say, she’s not a natural.<br> - She’s nowhere happier than under tarp<br> - gazing up at the moon and stars alone<br> - somewhere distant and remote like Glen Tarff.<br> - Now what to say about Lucy Ma-the-soooon....<br> - she likes… to faff… mm hmmm… well, moving on!<br> - </p> - - <p> - And now we come to Emilie the French.<br> - She seems to be nice on the trips we see her<br> - but my distrust of frogs will ne’er be quenched.<br> - Claims she’s a ‘pharmacist’? So she’s a dealer.<br> - Need some pills in a pinch? You call, she’s there<br> - at your door in her rally-approved four-wheeler.<br> - One question we have is, why are you here?<br> - Most folk are in uni, you’ve no refutin<br> - you were kicked out after second year!<br> - Now the Engineering grad, Sophia Newton.<br> - Your namesake, Isaac, was a man convicted,<br> - constructed calculus; but no computin,<br> - not even Isaac’s, could’ve e’er predicted<br> - you’d drop the Eng for creative writing!<br> - now that’s what I would call a self-inflicted<br> - inflection point! It must be quite enlightening,<br> - but that doesn’t excuse when you give us an earful.<br> - The blood boils in our veins, the rage heightening,<br> - and you’re an American, that makes me fearful.<br> - What’s your secret? You have us knackered!<br> - What are you on to always be so cheerful?<br> - Now we approach the topic of Merzbacher.<br> - Wait, she’s not here? Abandoned ship?<br> - She says she’s informatics: so she’s a hacker?<br> - She has strong views, she lets her anger rip.<br> - Poor George got an earful, full of future advice,<br> - but why hasn’t she been on another club trip?<br> - We’re cruel to focus on this list of vice;<br> - the fact remains: she’s headstrong and nice.<br> - </p> - - <p> - On Skye, a lady gave her poles to Sasha,<br> - which was really nice - I mean just the best -<br> - but Sasha really didn’t have to flash her.<br> - Quick history lesson: way back, RBS<br> - led the banking system to self-destruct<br> - and left taxpayers to pick up the mess.<br> - Since then, the name’s so irredeemably fucked<br> - they’ve had to ditch the brand once and for all.<br> - There’s one lassie who I need not instruct<br> - What, these days, the Royal Bank is called<br> - cos NatWest’s nasty history of scandal<br> - didn’t stop Booth from working there at all.<br> - Nothing motivates her more than to trample<br> - upon the working class. They set her free.<br> - She sank the pound quicker than the Belgrano,<br> - because ‘there is no such thing as society,’<br> - that’s how it is, is it? All right, I see.<br> - </p> - - <p> - Now, coming all the way from Glenmore Lodge,<br> - it’s Ellie’s turn! We have done what we can,<br> - although I’m scared what she’ll put in my squash.<br> - She wasn’t into Benji, but listen man,<br> - you’re lucky that you dodged her drunken benders.<br> - You’ll wake up in a tent in Kyrgystan,<br> - as for how you got there, no-one remembers,<br> - and if you’d known you’d be sleeping next to Ellie,<br> - you would’ve brought some fucking ear defenders.<br> - She’ll wrap you in bubblewrap, from your ears to your belly,<br> - cotton clothes for none, and no complaining,<br> - applying safety to the max, spare socks in your wellies.<br> - She’s always at her Mountain Leader training,<br> - practicing her night nav in the locale,<br> - pursuing QMDs - unless it’s raining.<br> - But some water should not scare our gal!<br> - She’s had much experience with the wet as of late:<br> - after all, she got on well with our navy pal.<br> - What was the age of that particular first mate?<br> - Older than your ex - always part of the plan?<br> - Ah, of course! He was a spry twenty-eight!<br> - Youth’s for the losers, let’s get you a real man,<br> - mature and rugged, but kind and astute?<br> - Just make sure he’s not as old as your gran.<br> - One request we all have is you ditch the uke:<br> - never have strings been pluckèd quite so shitely;<br> - we would all much rather be hit by a nuke.<br> - And please shut up about your nice society.<br> - We are all glad you had a fun summer,<br> - but bringing it up throws us right back to sobriety.<br> - To lose you of course would be a bummer:<br> - that is, for your carefully groomed newcomers.<br> - </p> - - <p> - Now time for the main woman, El Presidente!<br> - To here, it’s been like getting stones to bleed,<br> - but in Isla Burslem’s case we’ve material aplenty!<br> - As Holy Scripture says, ‘let those who lead<br> - well be worthy of double honour,’ so<br> - your bit is double length – it’s quite the screed!<br> - I’ll start off with her brilliant boyfriend – oh!<br> - Not boyfriend! Friend? To me this rather smacks<br> - of low commitment, but what do I know?<br> - So far, he’s disappointing, but on track.<br> - What’s he up to Isla: seven minutes? neat!<br> - Despite that, he is never holding back<br> - your blossoming romance with Dr Peat.<br> - Don’t deny it, that launch was pretty hard!<br> - It’s fifth base next: that’s photos of his feet.<br> - It’s fair to say her reputation’s marred.<br> - We all regret that we did once anoint<br> - her President: her premiership’s ill-starred.<br> - Hey - you’re meant to be in charge of this joint!<br> - You’re seldom seen cos of the mountaineering<br> - meets that you’re always on. You’d made your point<br> - before you chose to go off disappearing<br> - to <em>New Zealand</em>… we get the message! Plus<br> - we’ve had enough of all your domineering:<br> - maybe it’s time we put you on a bus!<br> - Nah, I’m just joking. All I’ve said’s refutable.<br> - But the boys, we mean this next bit, all of us,<br> - so stop me Isla if this isn’t suitable<br> - but honestly we think your mum is beautiful.<br> - </p> - - <p> - Alas, I have to bring an end to this rhyme.<br> - I know it wasn’t much, in our defence,<br> - the fact you used ChatGPT’s a crime.<br> - I hope I’ve not caused over much offence<br> - don’t worry, that is it, I’ve said my bit,<br> - so I’ll turn from the ladies to the gents.<br> - Yeah, don’t look away now, we wrote this shit!<br> - I see you looking at your laces, Chris!<br> - Wit without real goodwill is not legit,<br> - so boys, don’t send sincerity to piss!<br> - Why did God say he’d take our hearts of stone<br> - and give us hearts of flesh? For this, for this!<br> - Here is flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone;<br> - love, and love nothing more but God alone.<br> - </p> - </div> - </article> - </body> -</html> |