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-# EUHWC Toast to the Lassies 2024
-
-At the EUHWC Burns meet in Ullapool last weekend, I had the last privilege of giving the Toast to the Lassies. Particularly for the benefit of those who weren’t there, here it is in full!
-
-Published on: 29 Jan 2024 
-
-Had Burns, instead of his sweet bonnie Jean,
-his skills poetical for to mature
-had any one of our club’s lassies seen
-he would forever have remained obscure.
-If he had nothing but this box of worms
-Scotia would have been poorer, that I’m sure.
-Now none of us can claim to be a Burns,
-I’m no poetic master, still, I’ll have a punt,
-though let’s be clear, I’ll do it on my terms.
-I’ve everywhere avoided being blunt -
-politeness matters more than any schema -
-but it is hard when Isla’s such a cunt.
-It was a challenge to produce a terza rima
-I could recite withouten snoring;
-you’ve been so stiff I thought youse had oedema.
-The bother is this year is you’ll all been boring:
-no drugs, no sex, no gossiping or lies,
-no rock and roll, and hardly any whoring.
-But hey well, rules is rules, I’ve had to try!
-At least it can’t be worse than the reply.
-
-I’ll start with Audrey, the club’s senior member,
-for if there’s something that I say which disconcerts her,
-it’s fine: the poor old girl, she won’t remember.
-She likes to let us think she’s a hard worker
-but we’re electing a third social sec…
-it’s pretty clear she’s just another shirker.
-This lady, half American, half Czech,
-for study, moved to Scotland for to do
-American history – really, what the heck?
-The club is so much louder thanks to you:
-impressive vocals for just five foot two.
-
-That woman, Willow, reggles is bespeckled
-with her sickle and her fishing tackle
-shackled by the shins while she is heckled;
-the way that Willow waddles maks me cackle
-like a speckled jackal getting tickles,
-worth a shekel in the tabernacle;
-I chuckle muckle at her love of pickles
-which she wiggles when she has the heart
-while work for the Committee’s fickle trickles.
-Her modus operandi: you can’t rush art.
-Her reimbursements programme’s going great;
-any day now, she’ll maybe even start.
-She cannot walk without Audrey, her mate:
-I wonder when they’re going to consummate.
-
-Although they make them pretty tough in Peebles,
-the thought of actually going up a peak
-fills Shona Lewis with the heeble-jeebles.
-New car? We miss your beautiful antique!
-How long before this one’s also up a creek?
-
-Once there was a lass called Hannah Collier
-whom even hell below regarded nasty,
-deeply despised by all that dwells there.
-Dating’s proceeding slowly for our lassie;
-not far from giving up til she beguiles
-a hot Italian in Southsider: classy!
-At first, Michaelo seems to be all smiles
-till it transpires he’s one of Dante’s demons…
-I guess it’s back to posters of Harry Styles.
-One day you’ll get a decent boy, keep dreamin;
-somewhere there waits a handsome Mr Collier.
-Hopefully when she meets him she’ll no be steamin.
-Hannah, I’m not sure why you chose to maul your
-poor skeleton at Subway (she’s still tetchy)
-and then abandon what remains of all your
-dignity at Ryvoan with a Frenchie!
-I think he wishes that he never met ye.
-
-And has a quiet Felicia e’er been seen?
-The energy she has is frankly wild.
-I’ve never seen a hillwalker so keen!
-Ssie ischt raschtlos und nie gelangweilt.
-She eats raw oats with soggy protein powder:
-a camping pot has ne’er been worse defiled.
-She uses what her Maker has endowed her
-with: her recorder skills are off the charts;
-youse think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t doubt her!
-This lass of the land of the Rot-Gold-Schwarz
-will soon depart, though long we might beseech you
-to stay. Of course, you’ll break all of our hearts,
-but mine most of all. Any time, Felicia,
-Creag Meagaidh calls, I know routes up the rear
-dark and under-explored that I can teach you!
-I won’t deny I think it’s rather queer
-the things you do with chickpeas, but no matter.
-You’re keen, you’re quick, you’re cool, that much is clear.
-In fact, I think you’d make a damn good faffer:
-swoop down on distilleries like the Luftwaffe.
-
-And now we come to our girl Emily Topness!
-You’re keen for social sec. You’d suit the role
-because… I’m not quite sure, it’s embdy’s guess.
-We met your sister, and she was just as dull.
-No, please drone on about Icelandic soil!
-Poor Joe here down the front’s bored out his skull.
-And since I mentioned Joe – I hate to spoil
-it for you – but you’ve got the inferior Joe,
-by Jove, no joke, it’s Jock here’s got the style!
-Nah, write the boy a sonnet, get in the flow,
-Whatever you produce’ll beat by thrice
-your Masters thesis. What’d you got to show
-for months of hunting for the butterflies?
-‘There weren’t any.’ Oh, and have some sense,
-cos I’ve heard rumours – I assume they’re lies –
-you’ve called yourself the ‘poet in residence.’
-You know you can’t compete, drop the pretence.
-
-Tereza was our gear sec for last year.
-She helped herself to stuff: that’s factual.
-Now when she asks to loan a bit club gear
-we have to ask her to provide collateral.
-She picked up tin whistle pretty sharp!
-Which is to say, she’s not a natural.
-She’s nowhere happier than under tarp
-gazing up at the moon and stars alone
-somewhere distant and remote like Glen Tarff.
-Now what to say about Lucy Ma-the-soooon....
-she likes… to faff… mm hmmm… well, moving on!
-
-And now we come to Emilie the French.
-She seems to be nice on the trips we see her
-but my distrust of frogs will ne’er be quenched.
-Claims she’s a ‘pharmacist’? So she’s a dealer.
-Need some pills in a pinch? You call, she’s there
-at your door in her rally-approved four-wheeler.
-One question we have is, why are you here?
-Most folk are in uni, you’ve no refutin
-you were kicked out after second year!
-Now the Engineering grad, Sophia Newton.
-Your namesake, Isaac, was a man convicted,
-constructed calculus; but no computin,
-not even Isaac’s, could’ve e’er predicted
-you’d drop the Eng for creative writing!
-now that’s what I would call a self-inflicted
-inflection point! It must be quite enlightening,
-but that doesn’t excuse when you give us an earful.
-The blood boils in our veins, the rage heightening,
-and you’re an American, that makes me fearful.
-What’s your secret? You have us knackered!
-What are you on to always be so cheerful?
-Now we approach the topic of Merzbacher.
-Wait, she’s not here? Abandoned ship?
-She says she’s informatics: so she’s a hacker?
-She has strong views, she lets her anger rip.
-Poor George got an earful, full of future advice,
-but why hasn’t she been on another club trip?
-We’re cruel to focus on this list of vice;
-the fact remains: she’s headstrong and nice.
-
-On Skye, a lady gave her poles to Sasha,
-which was really nice - I mean just the best -
-but Sasha really didn’t have to flash her.
-Quick history lesson: way back, RBS
-led the banking system to self-destruct
-and left taxpayers to pick up the mess.
-Since then, the name’s so irredeemably fucked
-they’ve had to ditch the brand once and for all.
-There’s one lassie who I need not instruct
-What, these days, the Royal Bank is called
-cos NatWest’s nasty history of scandal
-didn’t stop Booth from working there at all.
-Nothing motivates her more than to trample
-upon the working class. They set her free.
-She sank the pound quicker than the Belgrano,
-because ‘there is no such thing as society,’
-that’s how it is, is it? All right, I see.
-
-Now, coming all the way from Glenmore Lodge,
-it’s Ellie’s turn! We have done what we can,
-although I’m scared what she’ll put in my squash.
-She wasn’t into Benji, but listen man,
-you’re lucky that you dodged her drunken benders.
-You’ll wake up in a tent in Kyrgystan,
-as for how you got there, no-one remembers,
-and if you’d known you’d be sleeping next to Ellie,
-you would’ve brought some fucking ear defenders.
-She’ll wrap you in bubblewrap, from your ears to your belly,
-cotton clothes for none, and no complaining,
-applying safety to the max, spare socks in your wellies.
-She’s always at her Mountain Leader training,
-practicing her night nav in the locale,
-pursuing QMDs - unless it’s raining.
-But some water should not scare our gal!
-She’s had much experience with the wet as of late:
-after all, she got on well with our navy pal.
-What was the age of that particular first mate?
-Older than your ex - always part of the plan?
-Ah, of course! He was a spry twenty-eight!
-Youth’s for the losers, let’s get you a real man,
-mature and rugged, but kind and astute?
-Just make sure he’s not as old as your gran.
-One request we all have is you ditch the uke:
-never have strings been pluckèd quite so shitely;
-we would all much rather be hit by a nuke.
-And please shut up about your nice society.
-We are all glad you had a fun summer,
-but bringing it up throws us right back to sobriety.
-To lose you of course would be a bummer:
-that is, for your carefully groomed newcomers.
-
-Now time for the main woman, El Presidente!
-To here, it’s been like getting stones to bleed,
-but in Isla Burslem’s case we’ve material aplenty!
-As Holy Scripture says, ‘let those who lead
-well be worthy of double honour,’ so
-your bit is double length – it’s quite the screed!
-I’ll start off with her brilliant boyfriend – oh!
-Not boyfriend! Friend? To me this rather smacks
-of low commitment, but what do I know?
-So far, he’s disappointing, but on track.
-What’s he up to Isla: seven minutes? neat!
-Despite that, he is never holding back
-your blossoming romance with Dr Peat.
-Don’t deny it, that launch was pretty hard!
-It’s fifth base next: that’s photos of his feet.
-It’s fair to say her reputation’s marred.
-We all regret that we did once anoint
-her President: her premiership’s ill-starred.
-Hey - you’re meant to be in charge of this joint!
-You’re seldom seen cos of the mountaineering
-meets that you’re always on. You’d made your point
-before you chose to go off disappearing
-to New Zealand… we get the message! Plus
-we’ve had enough of all your domineering:
-maybe it’s time we put you on a bus!
-Nah, I’m just joking. All I’ve said’s refutable.
-But the boys, we mean this next bit, all of us,
-so stop me Isla if this isn’t suitable
-but honestly we think your mum is beautiful.
-
-Alas, I have to bring an end to this rhyme.
-I know it wasn’t much, in our defence,
-the fact you used ChatGPT’s a crime.
-I hope I’ve not caused over much offence
-don’t worry, that is it, I’ve said my bit,
-so I’ll turn from the ladies to the gents.
-Yeah, don’t look away now, we wrote this shit!
-I see you looking at your laces, Chris!
-Wit without real goodwill is not legit,
-so boys, don’t send sincerity to piss!
-Why did God say he’d take our hearts of stone
-and give us hearts of flesh? For this, for this!
-Here is flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone;
-love, and love nothing more but God alone.
-