{title}
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- { distinctYears.map(year => (
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- { posts.filter(matchesYear(year)).sort(sortByPubDateDescending).map(post => (
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-- - Joe Carstairs - -
- -- Hi! 👋 My name is Joe - Carstairs. I’m a - software developer at - Scott Logic, a - graduate of Philosophy and Mathematics at the University of Edinburgh, - a committed Christian and a pretty rubbish poet. -
- -- I’m also the secretary of the - Scots Language Society. - Help me maintain our website! -
- -- Email me at - joeacarstairs@gmail.com - with your thoughts on metaethics, Scots verse and eschatology. -
- -- Or get me on - Facebook, - Mastodon, - LinkedIn, - or GitHub. -
--his skills poetical for to mature
-had any one of our club’s lassies seen
-he would forever have remained obscure.
-If he had nothing but this box of worms
-Scotia would have been poorer, that I’m sure.
-Now none of us can claim to be a Burns,
-I’m no poetic master, still, I’ll have a punt,
-though let’s be clear, I’ll do it on my terms.
-I’ve everywhere avoided being blunt -
-politeness matters more than any schema -
-but it is hard when Isla’s such a cunt.
-It was a challenge to produce a terza rima
-I could recite withouten snoring;
-you’ve been so stiff I thought youse had oedema.
-The bother is this year is you’ll all been boring:
-no drugs, no sex, no gossiping or lies,
-no rock and roll, and hardly any whoring.
-But hey well, rules is rules, I’ve had to try!
-At least it can’t be worse than the reply.
- -I’ll start with Audrey, the club’s senior member,
-for if there’s something that I say which disconcerts her,
-it’s fine: the poor old girl, she won’t remember.
-She likes to let us think she’s a hard worker
-but we’re electing a third social sec…
-it’s pretty clear she’s just another shirker.
-This lady, half American, half Czech,
-for study, moved to Scotland for to do
-American history – really, what the heck?
-The club is so much louder thanks to you:
-impressive vocals for just five foot two.
- -That woman, Willow, reggles is bespeckled
-with her sickle and her fishing tackle
-shackled by the shins while she is heckled;
-the way that Willow waddles maks me cackle
-like a speckled jackal getting tickles,
-worth a shekel in the tabernacle;
-I chuckle muckle at her love of pickles
-which she wiggles when she has the heart
-while work for the Committee’s fickle trickles.
-Her modus operandi: you can’t rush art.
-Her reimbursements programme’s going great;
-any day now, she’ll maybe even start.
-She cannot walk without Audrey, her mate:
-I wonder when they’re going to consummate.
- -Although they make them pretty tough in Peebles,
-the thought of actually going up a peak
-fills Shona Lewis with the heeble-jeebles.
-New car? We miss your beautiful antique!
-How long before this one’s also up a creek?
- -Once there was a lass called Hannah Collier
-whom even hell below regarded nasty,
-deeply despised by all that dwells there.
-Dating’s proceeding slowly for our lassie;
-not far from giving up til she beguiles
-a hot Italian in Southsider: classy!
-At first, Michaelo seems to be all smiles
-till it transpires he’s one of Dante’s demons…
-I guess it’s back to posters of Harry Styles.
-One day you’ll get a decent boy, keep dreamin;
-somewhere there waits a handsome Mr Collier.
-Hopefully when she meets him she’ll no be steamin.
-Hannah, I’m not sure why you chose to maul your
-poor skeleton at Subway (she’s still tetchy)
-and then abandon what remains of all your
-dignity at Ryvoan with a Frenchie!
-I think he wishes that he never met ye.
- -And has a quiet Felicia e’er been seen?
-The energy she has is frankly wild.
-I’ve never seen a hillwalker so keen!
-Ssie ischt raschtlos und nie gelangweilt.
-She eats raw oats with soggy protein powder:
-a camping pot has ne’er been worse defiled.
-She uses what her Maker has endowed her
-with: her recorder skills are off the charts;
-youse think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t doubt her!
-This lass of the land of the Rot-Gold-Schwarz
-will soon depart, though long we might beseech ya
-to stay. Of course, you’ll break all of our hearts,
-but mine most of all. Any time, Felicia,
-Creag Meagaidh calls, I know routes up the rear
-dark and under-explored that I can teach you!
-I won’t deny I think it’s rather queer
-the things you do with chickpeas, but no matter.
-You’re keen, you’re quick, you’re cool, that much is clear.
-In fact, I think you’d make a damn good faffer:
-swoop down on distilleries like the Luftwaffe.
- -And now we come to our girl Emily Topness!
-You’re keen for social sec. You’d suit the role
-because… I’m not quite sure, it’s embdy’s guess.
-We met your sister, and she was just as dull.
-No, please drone on about Icelandic soil!
-Poor Joe here down the front’s bored out his skull.
-And since I mentioned Joe – I hate to spoil
-it for you – but you’ve got the inferior Joe,
-by Jove, no joke, it’s Jock here’s got the style!
-Nah, write the boy a sonnet, get in the flow,
-Whatever you produce’ll beat by thrice
-your Masters thesis. What’d you got to show
-for months of hunting for the butterflies?
-‘There weren’t any.’ Oh, and have some sense,
-cos I’ve heard rumours – I assume they’re lies –
-you’ve called yourself the ‘poet in residence.’
-You know you can’t compete, drop the pretence.
- -Tereza was our gear sec for last year.
-She helped herself to stuff: that’s factual.
-Now when she asks to loan a bit club gear
-we have to ask her to provide collateral.
-She picked up tin whistle pretty sharp!
-Which is to say, she’s not a natural.
-She’s nowhere happier than under tarp
-gazing up at the moon and stars alone
-somewhere distant and remote like Glen Tarff.
-Now what to say about Lucy Ma-the-soooon....
-she likes… to faff… mm hmmm… well, moving on!
- -And now we come to Emilie the French.
-She seems to be nice on the trips we see her
-but my distrust of frogs will ne’er be quenched.
-Claims she’s a ‘pharmacist’? So she’s a dealer.
-Need some pills in a pinch? You call, she’s there
-at your door in her rally-approved four-wheeler.
-One question we have is, why are you here?
-Most folk are in uni, you’ve no refutin
-you were kicked out after second year!
-Now the Engineering grad, Sophia Newton.
-Your namesake, Isaac, was a man convicted,
-constructed calculus; but no computin,
-not even Isaac’s, could’ve e’er predicted
-you’d drop the Eng for creative writing!
-now that’s what I would call a self-inflicted
-inflection point! It must be quite enlightening,
-but that doesn’t excuse when you give us an earful.
-The blood boils in our veins, the rage heightening,
-and you’re an American, that makes me fearful.
-What’s your secret? You have us knackered!
-What are you on to always be so cheerful?
-Now we approach the topic of Merzbacher.
-Wait, she’s not here? Abandoned ship?
-She says she’s informatics: so she’s a hacker?
-She has strong views, she lets her anger rip.
-Poor George got an earful, full of future advice,
-but why hasn’t she been on another club trip?
-We’re cruel to focus on this list of vice;
-the fact remains: she’s headstrong and nice.
- -On Skye, a lady gave her poles to Sasha,
-which was really nice - I mean just the best -
-but Sasha really didn’t have to flash her.
-Quick history lesson: way back, RBS
-led the banking system to self-destruct
-and left taxpayers to pick up the mess.
-Since then, the name’s so irredeemably fucked
-they’ve had to ditch the brand once and for all.
-There’s one lassie who I need not instruct
-What, these days, the Royal Bank is called
-cos NatWest’s nasty history of scandal
-didn’t stop Booth from working there at all.
-Nothing motivates her more than to trample
-upon the working class. They set her free.
-She sank the pound quicker than the Belgrano,
-because ‘there is no such thing as society,’
-that’s how it is, is it? All right, I see.
- -Now, coming all the way from Glenmore Lodge,
-it’s Ellie’s turn! We have done what we can,
-although I’m scared what she’ll put in my squash.
-She wasn’t into Benji, but listen man,
-you’re lucky that you dodged her drunken benders.
-You’ll wake up in a tent in Kyrgystan,
-as for how you got there, no-one remembers,
-and if you’d known you’d be sleeping next to Ellie,
-you would’ve brought some fucking ear defenders.
-She’ll wrap you in bubblewrap, from your ears to your belly,
-cotton clothes for none, and no complaining,
-applying safety to the max, spare socks in your wellies.
-She’s always at her Mountain Leader training,
-practicing her night nav in the locale,
-pursuing QMDs - unless it’s raining.
-But some water should not scare our gal!
-She’s had much experience with the wet as of late:
-after all, she got on well with our navy pal.
-What was the age of that particular first mate?
-Older than your ex - always part of the plan?
-Ah, of course! He was a spry twenty-eight!
-Youth’s for the losers, let’s get you a real man,
-mature and rugged, but kind and astute?
-Just make sure he’s not as old as your gran.
-One request we all have is you ditch the uke:
-never have strings been pluckèd quite so shitely;
-we would all much rather be hit by a nuke.
-And please shut up about your nice society.
-We are all glad you had a fun summer,
-but bringing it up throws us right back to sobriety.
-To lose you of course would be a bummer:
-that is, for your carefully groomed newcomers.
- -Now time for the main woman, El Presidente!
-To here, it’s been like getting stones to bleed,
-but in Isla Burslem’s case we’ve material aplenty!
-As Holy Scripture says, ‘let those who lead
-well be worthy of double honour,’ so
-your bit is double length – it’s quite the screed!
-I’ll start off with her brilliant boyfriend – oh!
-Not boyfriend! Friend? To me this rather smacks
-of low commitment, but what do I know?
-So far, he’s disappointing, but on track.
-What’s he up to Isla: seven minutes? neat!
-Despite that, he is never holding back
-your blossoming romance with Dr Peat.
-Don’t deny it, that launch was pretty hard!
-It’s fifth base next: that’s photos of his feet.
-It’s fair to say her reputation’s marred.
-We all regret that we did once anoint
-her President: her premiership’s ill-starred.
-Hey - you’re meant to be in charge of this joint!
-You’re seldom seen cos of the mountaineering
-meets that you’re always on. You’d made your point
-before you chose to go off disappearing
-to New Zealand… we get the message! Plus
-we’ve had enough of all your domineering:
-maybe it’s time we put you on a bus!
-Nah, I’m just joking. All I’ve said’s refutable.
-But the boys, we mean this next bit, all of us,
-so stop me Isla if this isn’t suitable
-but honestly we think your mum is beautiful.
- -Alas, I have to bring an end to this rhyme.
-I know it wasn’t much, in our defence,
-the fact you used ChatGPT’s a crime.
-I hope I’ve not caused over much offence
-don’t worry, that is it, I’ve said my bit,
-so I’ll turn from the ladies to the gents.
-Yeah, don’t look away now, we wrote this shit!
-I see you looking at your laces, Chris!
-Wit without real goodwill is not legit,
-so boys, don’t send sincerity to piss!
-Why did God say he’d take our hearts of stone
-and give us hearts of flesh? For this, for this!
-Here is flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone;
-love, and love nothing more but God alone.
diff --git a/src/content/blog/2024/03/30/easter.md b/src/content/blog/2024/03/30/easter.md deleted file mode 100644 index 9735220..0000000 --- a/src/content/blog/2024/03/30/easter.md +++ /dev/null @@ -1,98 +0,0 @@ ---- -title: Why Easter is the best week of the year -description: >- - Based on a talk given to my colleagues at - Scott Logic for Maundy - Thursday, 2024. -pubDate: - year: 2024 - month: 03 - day: 30 ---- - -As you might have noticed, it is Easter this week! So I'd like to take five or -five minutes of your time to share why I – and about two billion other humans -going about the place just now – think Easter is the best week of the year. And -it's got something to do with a special Christian ritual called Communion. - -Communion, at its heart, is about as simple a ritual as you can get. You get -together with a bunch of other people. You share some bread, and you share some -wine. - -And it’s because of this ritual that so many people regard Easter as the best -week of the year. I want to explain to you why that is, and more than that, I -want to convince you that Easter is the best week of the year for you, too! - -If you’ve passed by _The Hub_ at the top of Johnstone Terrace here in -Edinburgh recently, you might have notice the banner which is draped over -the railings just now – reading, ‘RITUALS THAT UNITE US.’ - -Now, that might seem like an odd idea. But wouldn’t that be great, if we -actually had a ritual which could unite us? Because the world could surely do -with a bit more unity right now. The world seems so divided, and sometimes it -seems like there’s no hope for real unity. - -We can see that in our politics. We’re divided about foreign policy, about -taxation policy, about trade policy, about environmental policy. - -And the conflicts that we have in this country seem pretty trivial when we -remember the conflicts that are playing out in other parts of the world right -now. In Israel and Gaza. In Sudan. In Russia and Ukraine. - -And there’s plenty of conflict happening on the small scale, too. Often it’s the -smallest-scale conflicts which hurt us the most deeply. Your landlord pushes you -around. That friend you trusted like no-one else in the world lets you down. The -partner or spouse you loved like no-one else in the world – you end up fighting. - -It’s possible that you’re going to be reading this right now with a heavy heart -because of a broken relationship in their life. And doesn’t that hurt more than -anything else we know? - -When the world is groaning so heavily under the weight of conflict, and some -banner on _The Hub_ tells us a ritual can unite us, that seems so out of -proportion to the scale of the problem, doesn’t it? What can a ritual do? A bit -of old superstition? An excuse to divide people, maybe – what can a ritual do -to unite us? - -Well, two thousand years ago, a man had a meal with his friends. Together, they -shared a meal of bread and wine – which, in that time and place, was the most -ordinary meal imaginable. - -And yet, in that most ordinary event imaginable, something was happening which -was totally unimaginable. As this man, Jesus, shared the elements of this meal, -he made some extraordinary statements about what he was doing: ‘take, eat, this -is my body’ – ‘drink this, all of you; this is my blood of the new covenant.’ -(The word ‘covenant’ means a promise.) - -He told them he wasn’t just giving them bread and wine, he was giving his body -and his blood, and a promise. - -Before Jesus ate another meal, he was flogged and nailed to a cross. His blood -was spilt and his body broken, even to death. - -And yet, that wasn’t the end of the Easter story. Because three days later, -mourners turned up at Jesus’ tomb to pay their respects, and found the tomb -empty, the stone rolled away. Then they became the first of crowds of -incredulous eyewitnesses to see Jesus, the same Jesus who was killed on a cross, -alive. - -Some magic trick, right? But this matters a hell of a lot more than just some -magic trick. Because Jesus became the first person in history to prove that you -really can both have your cake and eat it. He gave his life, and lived! As a -result, we can have his life and our own. We can join with Jesus through the -ritual of Communion which he established, and thereby, through Jesus’ body, join -together with everyone else who takes part in that ritual, as one body. Then we -can start living our brand-new, full-fat, original-recipe life overflowing with -generosity where we too can both give our life to others and enjoy it ourselves. -Indeed, Jesus taught us and showed us that it’s precisely by giving our lives to -others that we get to truly live ourselves. - -This is why, in spite of all the division which persists in the world today, two -billion people regard this week as the best week of the year. Two billion -people, from every nation on Earth, speaking thousands of languages, of every -age and culture and gender and race, who defy the divisions of this world to -insist on joining together as one body in Jesus. - -Because Jesus’ new covenant, his promise to all of us, is that in an apparently -hopelessly divided world, there exists real hope for unity. And that’s why -Easter is the best week of the year. diff --git a/src/content/blog/2024/04/10/tracking_pixels.md b/src/content/blog/2024/04/10/tracking_pixels.md deleted file mode 100644 index 15ccc55..0000000 --- a/src/content/blog/2024/04/10/tracking_pixels.md +++ /dev/null @@ -1,35 +0,0 @@ ---- -title: Tracking pixels -description: Concerning a notice in the privacy policy of an HR app -pubDate: - year: 2024 - month: 04 - day: 10 ---- - -I recently made the mistake of reading the privacy policy of the HR app my -employer uses. Take this choice excerpt: - -> **Tracking Pixels** -> -> We may place tracking pixels in our Applicant Tracking System (ATS). These -> pixels are used for analytics purposes, including to track statistical -> information around when an email sent to you is opened. - -Translation: - -> We reserve the right to know whether you have read our emails, how long you -> spent reading them, at what time and in what physical location you read them, -> and any other information we can get our hands on. We reserve the right to do -> this as soon as you open an email, without asking for your permission first, -> and ask for your forgiveness later. That is, if you ever find out: which you -> won't, because we also reserve the right to hide this information in a Privacy -> Policy which we know you won't read, and we design our data-harvesting monster -> to be completely undetectable to anyone except determined experts, on purpose. -> We reserve the right to leave this data lying unused in a data warehouse where -> someone might steal it, and we also reserve the right to use it, if we can -> think of something satisfactorily dastardly to do with it. On the bright side, -> we probably won't, so having your data leaked to hackers and fraudsters is -> probably the worst you have to worry about. Unless we sell your data to -> advertisers, or a ~black hole of stolen data~ Large Language Model. Oh yeah, -> we probably reserve the right to do that, too. We doubt anyone will ever check. diff --git a/src/content/config.ts b/src/content/config.ts deleted file mode 100644 index 58dbc00..0000000 --- a/src/content/config.ts +++ /dev/null @@ -1,19 +0,0 @@ -import { defineCollection, z } from 'astro:content'; - -const dateSchema = z.object({ - year: z.number(), - month: z.number(), - day: z.number(), -}); - -const blog = defineCollection({ - type: 'content', - schema: z.object({ - title: z.string(), - description: z.string(), - pubDate: dateSchema, - updatedDate: z.optional(dateSchema), - }), -}); - -export const collections = { blog }; diff --git a/src/env.d.ts b/src/env.d.ts deleted file mode 100644 index acef35f..0000000 --- a/src/env.d.ts +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2 +0,0 @@ -///
Got lost?
- -- If you’re on this page, something’s probably gone wrong. Try going to - my homepage instead. -
-